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More Monkey jokes - submitted by our lovely readers!

four fingered monkey - I Like Monkeys - Miscellaneous monkey jokes - Circus janitors

Four-fingered monkey

Submitted by Dorito-girl of USA

Once there was a monkey that had only 4 fingers. He was very mad. So, one day the monkey went to a monkey hand repair shop.

The monkey that worked there said "how can I help you?"

The monkey said "Hi my name is George and I would like...." then the monkey that worked there immediately interrupted George and said "that's the name of my ass!"

George said "you named your butt?"

"Sure", said the monkey who worked there.

George then asked "So, what's your name?"

"Dick", said the man that worked there.

"Ha ha ha!" George started cracking up "that is a funny name!" George said to Dick.

George said "would you like to meet another man named Dick?"

Dick said "Ok."

George took out his penis and said "there you go".

Ed: I didn't realise they could install the internet in trailer parks....

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I Like Monkeys

Submitted by "The Spy Monkey" of the USA

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for 5 a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200.

I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.

Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell really bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.

The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates.

So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys

The following Monkey jokes were submitted using our response form - but the respondant didn't enter their name or location - given the standard we would say they're American - if you would like to claim credit, please email us ASAP!

: what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

where's my tractor?

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

it was dead.

how many monkeys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

it only takes two: the hard part is getting them IN the lightbulb.

why did the other monkey fall out of the tree?

it was dead, too.

what did the dead monkey say when he saw "titanic"?

nothing, he was dead.

what do you feed a dead monkey?

nothing, they're dead.

how do you kill a blue monkey?

shoot it with a blue monkey gun

how do you kill a green monkey?

shoot it with a green monkey gun.

how do you kill a yellow monkey?

shoot it with a yellow monkey gun.

how do you kill a pink monkey?

hold it's nose 'till it turns blue then shoot it with a blue monkey gun.

where did the farmer find his tractor?

under a pile of dead monkeys.

 

Hmmm.. not very monkey friendly!

Here is a joke submitted by Chris Minnich of Kennett Square in Pennsylvania, USA

Circus Janitors

There are four men working as janitors at a circus cleaning up after the elephants. They are all tired of cleaning elephant shit day after day, so they try to hatch a plan.

Guy #1 comes up with a plan, but they decide it is too complex and too expensive.

Guy #2 gets an idea, but his is too complicated.

Guy #3 figures out something easy, but it costs way too much for them.

So the simple Guy #4 says, "Let's stick a cork up his ass." They agree this is all they need to do, and stick a huge cork in the elephant's ass....

Weeks go by, and the janitors are reveling in their lack of shit cleaning. But after a while, the elephant looks sick. They decide to remove the cork to save it. But no one wants to be the one pulling it out. So again they plan. Again, they each have an idea;

Guy #1 comes up with a plan, but they decide it is too complex and too expensive.

Guy #2 gets an idea, but his is too complicated. Guy #3 figures out something easy, but it costs way too much for them.

So the simple Guy #4 says, "We should train a monkey to do it!" So they train the monkey to pull the cork out of the elephants ass. He goes up to the sick elephant, and pulls as hard as he can... Nothing. He is too tiny to pull it out himself. The ingenious janitors figure they will all pull on a rope at the same time as the monkey is pulling on the cork.

Guy #1 stands 200 ft away, Guy #2 150 ft, Guy #3 100 ft and Guy #4 50 ft away.

On the count of three, the pull in unison with the monkey. 1...2...3.... SPLAT Shit flies everywhere.

Guy #1 brushes the pieces of shit off of him and goes up to Guy#2. He is crying because he us covered to his knees in elephant shit. Once removed from the shit, they both go to Guy#3. He is bawling because he is covered in shit to his chest. They remove him and realize that Guy #4 is covered over his head in elephant shit. They run up to the pile of shit covering him. All three frantically uncover Guy#4 expecting the worst. Guy#4 is laughing hysterically. They look at each other in astonishment. Finally they ask, "Why are you laughing? You are completely covered in elephant shit." He responds, "You should've seen the monkey try to put the cork back in!"

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