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A man walked into a bar with his pet monkey.
The bartender said, "You can't bring that monkey in here!" The man replied, "Don't worry, he won't cause any trouble."
Within seconds the monkey jumped on the pool table and swallowed the cue ball. The bartender yelled, "Hey, he just ate my cue ball. No one can play pool anymore! Get out!" So the monkey and the man left.
The man left but came back one week later with his monkey. He apologized to the bartender and promised no more trouble. The bartender let him and the monkey stay.
Later that night, the monkey walked over to a bowl of grapes, put one in his ass, and then ate it. The bartender said, "That's disgusting! Why did he do that!"
The man said, "Since he swallowed the cue ball, he sizes everything up before he eats it."
There was an elephant a snake and a gorilla in the jungle, the snake said, "Shall we have a game of snooker?" The elephant replied "How can we play snooker when we haven't got a table."
So the snake said, "We can pretend, instead of hitting the ball, we'll each do a trick, whoever does the best trick will get the most points."
The gorilla said "OK I'll go first, I'll climb up that tree swing around that branch 3 times do a double somersault and land on my feet, that's got to be worth the black ball and that's 7 points."
The elephant said "No it's not worth 7 points because your good at climbing trees, we'll give you the blue and that's worth 5 points."
The gorilla said, "OK" and off he went up the tree, he swung round the branch 3 times did a double somersault and landed on his feet.
The elephant said "I'll climb up the tree swing around the branch twice do a single somersault and land on my feet, that's got to be worth 7 points because I can't climb trees very well."
So the snake and the gorillas said, "OK if you can do that we'll give you 7 points."
The elephant went up the tree swung round the branch twice did the somersault and landed on his feet with an almighty bang.
The snake said, "That was brilliant," "So what are you going to do snake" the gorilla asked.
"Well, I'll go up the elephants bum through his intestine and out of his trunk, that's got to be worth 7 points" said the snake.
The gorilla said, "If you can do that we'll give you 7 points." so off went the snake up the elephants bum.
The gorilla got hold of the elephants trunk and stuck it up his bum and said "That's got him Snookered!!".
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.
After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head.
When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that" said the trucker. The man said "Yeah". The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?"
The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
A cop comes around a curve in the road and sees a bad accident.
A man and a woman both dead from a car crash. The accident seems to have no explanation but he looks up on the hill and sees a monkey waving his arms at him as if to say something.
The cop says, "hey monkey ... you know what happened?"
monkey: Motioning with his arms drinking a bottle of some kind
cop: "They were drinking?"
monkey: Nods head vigorously
cop: "What else?"
monkey: Mimes smoking a joint
cop: "They were smoking dope?"
monkey: Nods head vigorously
cop: "There must have been more. This is a very strange accident. Monkey! What else?"
monkey: Mimics sexual relations
cop: "They were screwing?"
monkey: Nods very vigorously
cop: "This still doesn't make any sense.
Hey monkey! What were you doing to know all this?"
monkey: makes motion as if he were driving and looking behind him...
Once there was a bar that was run by monkeys, and they decided to have a contest.
A monkey walked in and read the sign that said "Make the human laugh and win $1,500.
So the monkey took a man and went around back then every one heard the man laughing.
People were amazed because no one had every done this before!
Two days later the bar had a sign that said "Make the human laugh and cry and win $4,500."
So the same monkey that won before took another man around back and everyone heard a laugh then a cry.
When they came back in the bar people were asking him how he did that.
The monkey that was running the contest finally demanded the monkey's secret.
"No one could every do it and you did it three times!?"
The monkey then said, "Well, I told him I had a bigger penis than he did.
The human laughed, so I pulled down my pants.
chimpy is not impressed I feel
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one.
The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes.
He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls.
The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,
"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys... all on different limbs... at different levels...some climbing up.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
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